25 January
2000
Last Saturday night, while closing register three, I had to make change for a twenty. Instead of leaving the drawer open and unoccupied, I called Jill to ask if she could bring me change for a twenty dollar bill. Then I clarified and asked if she could bring me two tens. Then I said that if she couldn't find two tens that she should bring me two fives and one ten. And then I amended that to say that I definitely needed a ten, but that the other ten dollars could be made up of two fives, or a roll of quarters, or two rolls of dimes. "You know, whatever you have in the change fund that equals twenty dollars." When she interrupted me to say, "I got it.", it was a forceful blow. The fact that I was being absolutely ridiculous suddenly came pouring over me. I had that acidic guilt melting the lining of my stomach. In my stunned state, I simply apologized and then hung up the phone. But thinking back on it, I'm struck by something. My situation over the past four and a half years has increasingly lowered my expectations of people. I've encountered too many situations in which people just can't imagine or remember or understand... and I'm left banging my head against a thick, jagged wall. I've learned to overcompensate in every situation, to reduce everything to the simplest terms, to connect the dots and spell it all out. What a sad way to define my life. More than anything else, this is what must change. I'm determined to raise the stakes. What are you determined to do today? biggest kiss... ...kristen |
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