better than x games

cameo appearance by Todd Sonneborn
23 November 1999

It would be hard not to notice the recent trend toward alternative sports. Competitions like the X-Games and the Gravity Games now celebrate sports like sky surfing, street luge, bike vert, snowboarding big air, speed climbing, and skier slopestyle. People got bored with the endless rules and lack of creativity in traditional sports like baseball and football. Can you blame them?

In our cubicle we've taken this notion a step farther... probably too far (as I'm prone to do), but that's what traditional sports needed and exactly what cubes need too. A little out-of-the-box thinking keeps things "balanced". Kristen wrote about the stuff visitors see in our cube: the toys, marshmallow bunnies and the like... decorations which make "the cube" a little less square.

As whirlygirl's main content provider, Kristen's claim-to-fame, highly visual learning/thinking/writing style overlooks some of the greatest cube-relief stuff in our little "cubey" lives here. That's where I (today's guest lecturer, cameo appearer, substitute teacher, or whatever I'm called) come in. I must (just this once) defend Kristen and her visually-intensive thinking... it is not flawed for her eyes to miss the below list of ridiculous games and contests. Much of this stuff is done in such a way that it specifically evades optic nerves, something that's second nature to anyone who's worked in a cubicle before.

The rules to all games are painfully simple, but the strategies and execution can be developed into a true art-form. These contests may be adopted into the X-Games next millennium, and I assure you that Gold and Silver are already spoken for.

HIDE THE MUSTARD


Rules:	Hide packets of mustard on your opponent's half of the cube.
Strategies:	More packets = fun. More time passing without finding mustard = more fun. Tape them to the inside of your opponent's closed umbrella = most fun. Hiding packets in places with high tear/break/burst risk = don't even joke about it.

BURIED IN A CHAIR

Rules:	Cram random (non-mustard) stuff under the upholstered cushion of your opponent's seat.
Strategies:	Broken Compact disks = fun. Bigger stuff = more fun. Whole empty soda cans = most fun. When cubemate is away stuff chair, and leave chair facing in a direction that best hides the large lump during the opponent's returning-to-cube approach.

DEMO3, S-P-I-N-A-B-I-F-I-D-A, I HATE THIS PLACE


Rules:	Write one of these three phrases in your opponent's half.
Strategies:	Don't let them see you write it. Spend lots of time writing it in very ornate lettering. More ornate = more fun. Consider different mediums such as crayons or watercolors. Writing on important paperwork = most fun. Try to write these random phrases so ornately that the opponent feels compelled to keep and cherish it as beautiful art.

CASUAL RECYCLER

Rules:	Pretend to recycle your opponent's important papers.
Strategies:	You've got to be GOOD to make 'em fall for this one after the first few times... so be creative.

SEE YOU TOMORROW


Rules:	After normal business hours, a bell occasionally rings on the overhead sound system to alert night staff of incoming calls. If you hear a bell during the day, be the first to say "see you tomorrow..."
Strategies:	Earlier in the day = fun. Standing up to leave = more fun. On Friday saying "see you next week" = most fun.
Bonus:	If the bell sounds where you can both hear it, but you are not within reasonable voice range... call the opponent to deliver the message.

WALLET SOCCER


Rules:	Get your opponent's wallet onto the floor and kick it.
Strategies:	Time it so that you are not seen kicking the wallet, but he/she IS seen bending over or chasing it across the floor.
Bonus:	Kick it through closing elevator doors.