toast in hell

1 June 2000

cameo appearance by Todd Sonneborn

A few weeks ago, Kristen was discussing the heaven of her Sunday-Monday weekends. Part of her bliss included having coffee and toast on her front steps. So you read this and conjure up an image of Kristen, relaxed, sitting on her steps, watching the wind blow through the wispy leaves of a willow tree, listening to birds chirp softly in the background.

I (being familiar with a few bits of truth conveniently omitted in whirlyland) have now developed a nagging pain in my side from vigorous laughing at the image this brought to mind for me. You'll laugh too when you have all the facts.

1. Her "heaven" narrative neglects to mention that upon leaving her apartment via the front steps, there's not a willow tree, chirping bird, or blade of grass in sight. What IS in sight are the not-so-heavenly "projects" of South Boston.
2. It's a basement studio... meaning her front steps lead DOWN from the sidewalk to the apartment. So even if you haven't visited her apartment, you can reason that if she's sitting on her steps, her view is limited to the three feet of space between her eyes and the door.
3. Wind blows old newspapers and various trash into the bottom of the stairwell quite regularly.
4. Her landlord's father poured cement down the drain at the bottom of the stairwell. Why he did this, we'll never know, but he openly discusses the fact that he decided to do this one sunny summer day. The thought process involved is unimaginable to me, but the result, however, is very imaginable. A small, (but not that small) fully-functional replica of the Hoover Dam.

So my little "toast and coffee in heaven" image seems much closer to hell than to heaven. Kristen, a block from the projects, staring at her door, ankle-deep in wet refuse, smiling and eating toast.